Super grateful.

I am feeling a wave of incredible gratefulness right now.

I love when these sorts of emotions come out of unhappy situations. I had a really reflective conversation this afternoon with a co-worker which made me feeling self-conscious and generally exposed about my life and my life decisions.

And somehow in the span of a quiet walk towards the subway station, I am able to realise that I am so grateful to be alive, to have health, a job, and an amazing emotional support system. I am grateful for my choice in accessories and the colour I turn when I am tanned, my pierced nose, the sun and the heat and the wind. I am grateful for photography and music and that I’m a relatively interesting person with humour and insight and pretty good taste in a lot of stuff. I am so grateful that my dearest Asmaa will be returning to live in the same city as me, in my favourite month of the year. I am grateful for helpful phone conversations in the middle of my workday, lovely dinners, long walks, 5 weeks left of school, bench time, my sunglasses, and the kids in grade 6.

I’m feeling pretty pumped about the prospects of my life. I’m looking forward to the things I will get to learn.

Our love is like the earth, the sun, the trees and the birth.

It takes me so long to get myself to write a post. I wish I was more frequent with updating.

1. Reclaiming the word “Fat”. I have been thinking and processing through fatness a lot in the last year or so, particularly my own fatness. I love how much I have gotten over the negative “weight” (har har) that comes from the word “fat”.

It takes a lot of unlearning to realise that all bodies are beautiful and worthy of love. Being fat doesn’t make someone less smart, caring, kind, capable, or attractive. Fat is something I am and it’s a pretty good adjective that describes my body type. Also, fat brown hijabis!

2. The new Rufus Wainwright album! I’m sort of obsessed with it at the moment.

3. My amazing co-workers. There’s probably a handful of people at school that I really like, but from those people are some the funniest, most entertaining, wise, and patient people I have ever met. They make coming to work totally bearable and hilarious. Especially when we find creative ways to de-stress after school.

4. I’m getting my nose pierced tomorrow, which I guess I should post about after I get it done, but I’m worried about how much I’m actually going to like it once it’s in my nose. It’s something I’ve wanted for a long time and right now I’m excited about it … I just hope I stay this excited.

5. I seriously miss Asmaa. Like a lot. I just want her to read this and know that.

I’ll be your mirror.

It’s unfortunate that I seem to make posts about once a month. Oh well. Here’s a happy list that has been developing in my head for weeks.

•  Dreams. I have been having lots of dreams lately (which isn’t unusual for me) but the dreams I appreciate the most are the ones that have nothing to do with school, the students that I teach or the people I work with.
• Getting a scalp massage with olive oil by my mother after she has massaged all of my other sisters and my niece’s heads.
• The performance that my Sign Language club did this past Friday of “True Colors”.
• Daydreaming about happy days away from school – make-up hang-outs, movies, blanket time, sunshine.
• The co-workers at school that I really like and get along with really well. And the amount of time we spend laughing and making fun of things/each other. Though it makes me sad that one of them is starting her maternity leave this week.
• These bright coral pants that I just bought (that I still have to work up the guts to wear).
• How much fun I am having with makeup these days, particularly with lipstick.
• That my niece and nephew are home after 3 weeks of being on vacation in the US.
• There’s only two more months until school is over. And that May is starting, which is probably my second favourite month (after July of course!)
• long naps, distractions, discussions, photography, mushy text messages, big news, mushy email exchanges, nostalgia, music from the 80s, and still being the most sentimental person in the whole world.

15 years.

This is another one of those posts that I have been meaning to write for the last two weeks but I just never got around to it. Maybe I have been avoiding it, or have been too busy. Or maybe I just needed the thoughts to simmer in my head until this exact moment. Whatever the reason is, when I found this picture in a folder on my computer recently, I knew it was something that was going to stay on my mind.

In the last week of March, my oldest niece turned 15. This is a pretty big deal since 15 is damn old and it reminded me of all the things that happened around the time she was born. On her birthday, I sent her an email (she lives in Chicago) wishing her well and telling her about the things I remember about her birth. I remembered that when she was born, we were so happy and excited and I didn’t really know what to expect being 11 and an aunt for the first time. The next morning after she was born, my brother-in-law came over to pick up some things for my sister before going to back to the hospital to bring her home. I don’t remember the reason, but he brought me along too. I remember going to the hospital and waiting outside the room until my brother-in-law said it was OK to come in. I awkwardly congratulated my sister and got to hold my niece for the first time. I felt pretty proud of the fact that after her parents, I was the first one to hold her on our whole family, before my mom or my other sisters. I held her in the hallway as my sister and brother-in-law packed up final belongings. The sun was shining brightly through big windows and I held her so close to me for fear of dropping her.

I don’t remember much else about that day, but writing that email to my niece triggered more memories of the week that followed. My niece’s arrival came at such a distressing time in our lives. My father had stopped treatment, was living at the hospital and most of those days were spent visiting him there. It was a real joy to have a baby around during that time, and my father really loved having her around in his room. Two weeks after my niece was born, my father died.

Maybe it’s sad or unfair to associate my niece’s birth to my father’s death, but all I really think about was that it was a real blessing to have that baby around in a house full of grieving people. She brought so much to our lives.

In the past 15 years since his death, I think about all the life that has been brought to us, all of my nieces and nephews that he would have adored, just has much as he did with my first niece in the last two weeks of his life. I think about about all of the things that I would have learned about him in these 15 years: about his personality, moods or routines, how to  have made him sad or disappointed, or how to make him laugh. I think about all the things he would have learned about me, the things he would scold me about or be pleased with.

Although these things make me sad, the best thing I know how to do is to remember.

 

 

 

ASL

Learning all the signs to this song as self-care.

What is Love?

Asmaa has more wisdom than I will ever possess.

 

I can’t think of a title.

I haven’t done a happy list in some time and I’m feeling particularly happy right now.

1. This Is Your Brain In Love. Seven contestants, ranging from 10 to 75 years of age took part in a Love Competition, spending five minutes in an fMRI machine, thinking deeply about love and allowing the imaging technology to measure activity in their brain. It’s interesting and so sweet.

2. I bought a wonderful, beautiful, most amazing used camera yesterday, which I love so much. I intend on having so many days of photo-taking adventures – always, for the rest of my life. Please join me.

3. This makes me super happy. I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t done this many times, including the pelvic thrusts and hairy legs, minus the shattered glass. Courtesy of Baji!

4. I had a really nice conversation with my mom tonight. We talked about school and photography and taxes … it was just good.

5. MARCH BREAK IS NEXT WEEK! And since the world is basically going to end because of this whack weather, I’m going to enjoy how nice and warm it has been lately and live it up! I plan on seeing lots of people I love, maybe have a few day-trips and hopefully get a bit of marking out of the way as well.

6. I photograph a Baptism on Saturday, which should be an interesting experience. I’m a little nervous about it being my first event photography “gig”, but also really excited too! I’m going to look awesome with my new Black Rapid strap, which makes life so much better.

7. Also, everything to do with button-making. I love all of the buttons.

Self-Care.

I’m re-reading this now, because I really need to remind myself.

When most of us are confronted with a word like ‘self-care,’ thoughts of rose-petalled bathwater in a tranquil spa filled with aromatherapy candles may immediately come to mind. That this is the case, however, shows just how paltry our understanding of this term is – and how little attention most of us pay to taking care of ourselves psychologically, physically and emotionally.

After a long day at work/school, most of us are usually too exhausted to do anything by the time we get home. Most of us just want to switch on the idiot box and forget about our present reality for a few hours. Or we want to go to a bar and do the same. Both of these activities are aimed at escaping all of the burdens of our day. And while both of these activities can be relaxing and even a form of self-care, they become problematic when they we become dependant on them to escape our sense of where we are and where we’re going. If you find yourself going home at the end of the day and falling asleep in front of the tv – its a pretty good sign that something is unbalanced.

Self-care, in this sense, can even be just about being present in the tasks you are confronted with on a daily basis. of course, ‘being present sounds easier than it really is. It requires addressing our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health needs in a holistic manner. It isn’t just about taking a long bath or going for a spa day – although of course both of these are a form of self-care. It is about making sure that you are able to take part in life’s daily activities in a meaningful manner – about making sure that you aren’t just going through the motions of your life.

It may sound silly, but sometimes just feeling the texture of a table or chair in front of you can be a very grounding activity.

Practicing self-care means setting up and maintaining personal and professional boundaries. If you say yes to everything just because you feel like it needs to be done, you are probably not taking very good care of yourself. Feeling like you never have time or energy for yourself and feeling disconnected from loves is another good sign. If you find yourself unable to pay attention to other’s distressing stories because they seem overwhelming – you’re pretty much three for three.

I realize that most of us can’t afford to spend loads of time practicing self-care. But it is possible to incorporate little daily self-care rituals into your routine that can still have a big impact on how you feel throughout the day. A friend of mine always changes out of her work clothes before heading out for any social activity at night. For her, this simple ritual allows her to leave her work at home – changing clothes literally being a metaphor for leaving something behind. It also allows her to feel like the whole day isn’t just one long whirl of activity. Another friend never leaves the house without having a healthy breakfast because she has really bad eating habits. Taking little breaks during the day and creating rituals focussed on on the areas that can cause trouble in your life makes a world of difference.

One of the most important things to remember is that it is okay to feel tired, exhausted and even overwhelmed at the end of a day. We all lead hyper-active lives and juggling school with work and family is no easy task. But practising these simple self-care techniques will hopefully help make you feel less exhausted at the end of a stressful day.

- A.A

Calmness.

When in a time of stress, when each ended week seems longer and more difficult than the  one previous to it, it’s nice to hear songs like this. Songs that force me to be attentive and listen and feel immediate calmness.

Love, right now.

 

I didn’t like the post I made the other day so I’m starting it again. What triggered this inspiration was a message I got from Asmaa sharing this article with me. I spend a lot of time focusing on on goals, on bettering myself, thinking about the future, on wanting more than I have. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to attain things and working towards something, but right now I don’t think I spend enough time just living in the present and enjoying all the things in my life and thinking I’m pretty damn cool for having all of those things. I have worked really hard for the successes, interests and people I have around me.

The end of the article really touched me: “We help one another other live and sometimes, we watch – and help – one another die. It happens in movies, sure, but it also happens every day, in real life – now, tomorrow, yesterday. It is transformative and transcendent. It is real. It is love.”

How can I ignore the fact that I know what that feels like? I know it 5 or 6 times over. I’m the luckiest person for it.